


it's hard to breathe (but that's alright)

by fraudulentzodiacs



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But makes it right in the end, Internalized Homophobia, Jamie's a bit of a jerk, Love in the Time of Coronavirus, M/M, Sort Of, mentions of Jamie/Katie, quarantine fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24171229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fraudulentzodiacs/pseuds/fraudulentzodiacs
Summary: Tyler felt himself moving across the bed, seeking out the warmth that had been there throughout the night. With a frustrated groan, he flipped himself over, expecting to find a warm expanse of skin to lay his body across. Instead, he found only more empty bed, the sheets cold where his arm landed.
Relationships: Jamie Benn/Tyler Seguin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 132





	it's hard to breathe (but that's alright)

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a tumblr prompt that asked for Jamie with internalized homophobia after sleeping with Tyler.

Tyler felt himself moving across the bed, seeking out the warmth that had been there throughout the night. With a frustrated groan, he flipped himself over, expecting to find a warm expanse of skin to lay his body across. Instead, he found only more empty bed, the sheets cold where his arm landed. He opened an eye, confirming his suspicion. He felt his stomach clench as he turned his head toward the bathroom, finding no sign of a running shower. _He wouldn’t,_ his heart told him, throwing off the blanket and digging out a fresh pair of shorts from the dresser. The house was quiet as he went downstairs, except for the excited rustling of the dogs as they greeted him. A quick glance at their food bowls by the back door told him that they had already been fed, but the kitchen and living room were empty. Tyler stood in the middle of the silence, fighting against the ache in his chest and the lump in his throat.

He’d thought…he’d hoped…

Tyler shook his head and went back upstairs, determined to shower and start his day and not think about the fact that his best friend had fucked him and then left before the sun had risen. Jamie was a good man, Tyler told himself, if he had left, he had a good reason. A shower, breakfast, and brief workout later, Tyler was determined to find out what that reason had been.

Jamie’s house wasn’t very far from his, but it felt like hundreds of miles to Tyler as the road stretched out in front of him. He gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white as the leather creaked beneath his fingers. He’d expected – hoped for – a phone call, or even a text, but it was approaching noon and there had been nothing. It was so unlike Jamie that Tyler wondered if he had dreamt the whole thing. If Jamie hadn’t really come over for dinner, hadn’t pressed himself against Tyler as they watched a movie, hadn’t hovered by the front door before grabbing Tyler’s face in his big hands and kissed him like he needed it to live. As if they hadn’t tumbled into bed together, slightly awkward and giggling but still the most intense experience of Tyler’s life. As if he hadn’t fallen asleep with Jamie’s arms around him, his breath hot on the back of his neck and his legs tangled with Tyler’s.

Jamie’s truck was the only car parked in the driveway when Tyler arrived, which he was grateful for. They were still quarantining, but after Jamie and Katie’s breakup Tyler knew that Jordie had been checking in on his brother every few days, just as Tyler had been. They were both alone, single at the same time for the first time in years, and they had talked more in the last few weeks than they had in months outside the team.

Convinced that Jamie was alone in the house, Tyler stepped out of the car and toward the front door. There was no way Jamie hadn’t been alerted that someone had come through the front gate, but Jamie wasn’t waiting for him in the doorway like he usually did. The door remained firmly shut, and Tyler did his best to calm the roiling storm in his stomach. Jamie had seemed so calm, so sure last night, and now it was clear that he was actively avoiding Tyler. He almost turned back to the car when the door finally swung open. Jamie still looked sleep-ruffled, his hair fluffy and soft, the way it always looked before he poured half a bottle of gel on it to tame it into submission. He was in a ratty black t-shirt and well-worn jeans, barefoot and comfortable and Tyler wanted to climb inside his arms and never leave.

“Hey.” He finally managed, looking up at Jamie from the bottom of his front steps.

“Hey.” Jamie’s voice was soft, and it was only then that Tyler noticed he was looking at the ground instead of at Tyler.

“Can, uh, can I come in?” Jamie seemed to think about it for a long moment before he nodded and stepped aside.

“Yeah, sure.”

Tyler had been inside of Jamie’s house a hundred times, but he’d never felt like a guest until this moment. He slipped past Jamie, who stepped back even further as if he was afraid Tyler would touch him. Considering that Tyler’s hands had been all over Jamie’s bare skin hours earlier, it made Tyler want to laugh and then maybe cry.

“You want a beer?” Jamie asked, and Tyler shook his head. “I’ve got, uh, water, I think maybe some lemonade…”

“I don’t want a drink, Jamie.” Tyler finally snapped, and he watched Jamie freeze with his head in the refrigerator, his shoulders hunching up around his ears. “I want to know why you left.”

Jamie said nothing, closing the refrigerator door but refusing to turn back to face Tyler. Tyler huffed out a breath and moved over to Jamie, brushing a hand across his back. Jamie jumped as if he’d been burned, stepping out of Tyler’s reach and shaking his head.

“Look, uh…” Jamie finally began, looking everywhere but at Tyler. “About last night. It was a mistake.”

“A mistake?” Tyler could hear the soft sadness in his tone, and he swallowed down the lump in his throat and stared at Jamie.

“Yeah, I mean…y’know, I’m not… _gay_.” Jamie spits the word out, and Tyler feels like he’s been slapped.

Jamie had been the first person he’d come out to as bisexual all those years ago, crying into his shoulder over his fears of being possibly the first out NHL player. Jamie had wrapped his arms around him, assuring him that it wouldn’t change anything for the team or their friendship, if he chose to come out. Jamie had been supportive, loyal, steadfast, but now he said the word _gay_ like it was something dirty, something wrong. It tore at Tyler’s heart, a thousand times worse than any chirps he’d ever heard on the ice or in a locker room. This was _Jamie_ , talking about what they’d done as if it was some horrific thing, something _wrong_.

“You’re not…but last night…” Tyler shook his head. “Last night wasn’t a _mistake_ , Jamie. It wasn’t a bad thing.”

“I’m sorry, I just…” Jamie ran his hand through his hair, his eyes firmly on the ground.

“For fuck’s sake Benn, you could at least look at me.” Tyler’s voice was rough, and he wanted nothing more in that moment than to throw something in Jamie’s direction. But, his outburst finally got Jamie to look at him, and Tyler felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Jamie’s eyes were cold, distant, everything that Tyler had never seen there before. “You really think…” He couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t look at Jamie anymore.

“I’m sorry.” Jamie finally broke the silence. “I didn’t mean to, like, lead you on.”

“Lead me on?” The laugh that escapes Tyler is harsh and cold. “You fucker.”

“Come on Segs, it’s not like it was-“

“ _Don’t_.” Tyler cuts him off, feels shame at the tears he feels in his eyes. “Don’t you dare say it wasn’t serious, because it was for me at you knew that. You _know_ how I feel about you.”

Tyler refused to look in Jamie’s direction, his breaths coming in harsh gasps as he stared down at the floor. Finally, he pushed himself away from the counter and wiped at his eyes, praying that Jamie wouldn’t see.

“I’m going to go.”

“Ty, wait.” Jamie wrapped his hand around Tyler’s bicep, Tyler wrenching his arm out of the other man’s grip so hard he almost fell backward.

“Don’t touch me.” Tyler whirled around, practically snarling, shocked at the anger in his own voice. “Don’t touch me.”

Jamie doesn’t say a word as Tyler walks out.

In quarantine, it’s easy to avoid Jamie. It’s easy to avoid everyone. He stays at home, surrounds himself with his dogs, and gives himself exactly four days to wallow in his broken heart. He spends most of it in bed, wrapping himself in the blankets until they no longer smell like Jamie. When the four days are up, he strips the bed and refuses to think about Jamie and how much he loves him and how much he misses him. It’s just warm enough to get in the pool, or he rollerblades around the tennis court shooting balls at the net with Gerry and Cash running circles around him. It’s calm, quiet, and Tyler can almost forget about everything that happened. Then, something – a photo, a clip, once a t-shirt that Jamie had left at his house months ago – reminds him and he feels that gaping, open wound in his chest and he has to start all over again.

He’s not sure how long he spends alone in his house, but it must be a couple of weeks because his hair is out of control and his beard is a mess, but he can’t find himself to really care about either. He’s just finished throwing together a salad for lunch when the doorbell rings, the dogs going crazy in a mad dash for the door.

“Back, back, back.” He grumbles. He knows it has to be someone close to him to have his gate code, but the last person he expects to see on the other side when he opens the door is Jamie. He freezes, but Cash immediately slips between his legs and leaps up to get at his favorite person. Jamie looks away from Tyler, crouching down to let Cash lick his face.

“Hey boy.” He says softly, scratching Cash behind the ears. His voice hits Tyler like a bolt of lightning, goosebumps spreading across his arms as he stares down at the other man. He hates himself for reacting so forcefully, for still wanting Jamie as much as he did the night Jamie kissed him.

“What are you doing here?” He finally asks, and Jamie stares down at Cash for a moment longer before standing back up.

“I was hoping that we could talk.” Tyler stares at him, wanting to tell him that they have nothing to talk about, that Jamie should just turn around and leave. Instead, he opens the door wider and gives Jamie enough room to enter the house. It’s achingly familiar, Jamie being in his house, and the dogs all follow him into the living room, so Tyler herds them out into the backyard so they can have some privacy. Jamie’s still sitting on the couch when he returns, his arms resting on his knees. He seems calm, but Tyler catches Jamie wringing his hands, a telltale sign that Jamie’s nervous, and Tyler feels a familiar stab of pain at the realization of just how well he knows Jamie. He takes a seat on the opposite couch, folds his arms across his chest, and prepares to wait out Jamie. He stares at him, and finally Jamie sighs and hangs his head.

“I’m sorry.” He finally tells Tyler, and Tyler huffs out a dry laugh.

“What, exactly, are you sorry for?”

“I, uh…” Jamie wraps a hand around the back of his neck, finally lifting his eyes to lock with Tyler’s. “I was wrong, that day, to leave without talking to you.”

“Yeah, you were.” Tyler agrees, and Jamie groans.

“You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”

“Why should I?” Tyler throws his hands up before letting them slap against his thighs. “You’re the one who…who kissed me first. You’re the one who fucked me, gave me hope, then ran away and acted like what happened was something _shameful_.”

“I know.” Jamie admits, his head dropping again. “I know I did, and I’m really sorry Tyler.”

“When I came out to you all those years ago, you were so…supportive, so understanding. If this is really how you feel about being queer…”

“It’s _not_ , Ty, I promise. I just…” Tyler watches Jamie stand, run his hands through his hair, and pace in front of Tyler. “I just never thought I was…like that. I’ve only ever dated women, you know, I’ve never been attracted to another man. And then…”

“And then?” Tyler asks, and refuses to recognize the hope that flares in his chest.

“And then, I don’t know, I started looking at you. And…then I started _looking at you_ , and you’re so…you’re so _you_ , and that night. That night, you were sitting next to me on the couch and I thought ‘god, he’s beautiful’ and I just wanted to put my arm around you, wanted to hold you, and that…Ty, you’ve gotta know how terrifying that is. To look over at your best friend, your _guy_ best friend, and want to kiss him.”

Tyler nods because yeah, he _does_ know how that feels. He’s struggled with that for years, from practically the first moment he met Jamie. When Jamie looks at him again, Tyler’s heart cracks in his chest at the pain he sees in those eyes that are so very precious to him.

“Then why did you sleep with me?” Tyler asks, and Jamie doesn’t answer for a long time, so long that Tyler’s convinced he’s not going to say anything.

“Because I wanted you.” Jamie finally admits, quietly. When he looks up at Tyler his eyes are wet with tears. “Because I’m in love with you.”

Tyler’s up before he knows what he’s doing, and Jamie’s bigger than him but he feels small when Tyler wraps him up in his arms. Jamie shakes silently against him, pressing his face into Tyler’s neck, and Tyler only knows he’s crying because he can feel the wetness on his throat.

“It’s okay. I’m here.” He runs his hands up and down Jamie’s back, and decides he might as well go for broke, pressing a kiss to the side of Jamie’s head. “It’s okay, baby, you’re okay.”

Jamie sags in relief against him, and Tyler only just gets them onto the couch before they collapse under their combined weight. Tyler manages to arrange them side-by-side without separating himself from Jamie, who’s still trembling but seems to have calmed. He keeps rubbing Jamie’s back, down his side, and then up his arm before tangling his hand in Jamie’s hair. Jamie’s silent, but he hums against Tyler’s neck when Tyler tugs his hair slightly. Finally, after what seems like hours, Jamie moves and rubs his nose against Tyler’s neck, then along his jaw, before finally pulling away enough that Tyler can see his face. His eyes are red-rimmed, and he looks exhausted, as if every bit of energy has been drained out of him. Tyler lets his hand drift from Jamie’s hair down across his face to cup his cheek. Jamie turns into it instinctively, his eyes fluttering closed as he nudges his face against Tyler’s hand.

“How are you?” Tyler asks quietly, doing his best not to break the moment.

“Okay.” Jamie admits, finally opening his eyes again to look at Tyler. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. It’s a lot.”

“I meant it, though.” Jamie leans forward and lets his forehead drop against Tyler’s. “That night was the best night of my life, and it terrified me. I thought…I don’t know. I thought maybe I could be with you once and get it out of my system or something. But then I woke up and you were there, and I realized that one night was never going to be enough, and I was scared.”

“So, you ran.”

“I was afraid that if you woke up and I was still there I’d never be able to leave.”

“Because you love me.” Tyler supplies, and he feels butterflies at the small smile that creeps onto Jamie’s face.

“Yeah.” Jamie admits. “Because I love you.”

“I love you too, you know.” Tyler twists his face so he can drop a kiss on Jamie’s cheek.

“This isn’t going to be easy, I’m still… _I’m_ not going to be easy.” Tyler sighs and leans back so he can get a good look at Jamie’s face. A face he’s loved for years, but never thought he could have. A face that, apparently, loves him too. He smiles, running the back of his fingers across Jamie’s cheekbone.

“You’ve never been easy a day in your life, Benn.” Tyler chirps, and laughs when Jamie glares at him despite his attempt to get Tyler to run his fingers along his face again. “But you’re worth it.”

Jamie smiles, something bright and open, and Tyler leans in to kiss it.


End file.
